My step mom's brother Ken, who I'd only just met last summer, passed away yesterday from liver cancer. It was a surprise to everybody, because he hadn't told anybody; not even his wife and son. I can see how some people might be hurt by that, but the more I think about it, the more I like it. Why burden your loved ones with the inevitable? Why spend your last days making everyone around you sad?
It's hard to say how long he knew. But based on the several week long vacation he took last summer, it's probably a safe bet to say that he'd known for months. He was born here, but lived most of his adult life in New Zealand. So when he took two months off to visit with with friends and family here in the states, it didn't seem out of the ordinary in the least.
For part of that vacation he came down to Florida, where my dad and I had a couple days to hang out with him during our vacation. The guy definitely made an impression on me. My dad had always talked about how friendly, laid-back and funny he was, and it was true. Think kind of guy you almost want to hate because he's so likeable.
Looking back, this seems like an especially amazing feat. To be that calm and relaxed around friends and family, knowing it's very possibly the last time you'll see them, never telling anyone what you're going through. It couldn't have been easy, but it was his choice to make, and I think it might have been the right one.
4 comments:
If Seppo were dying, and he hadn't told me before the fact, I'd feel so angry on top of my grief. I'd tell him. I would think hard about telling others though. I'm not sure which way it would go.
Wow that's rough. One the one hand, I can't imagine not sharing it with my closest family and friends. On the other hand, news like that colors every moment you are with someone, so being able to enjoy "untainted" time with loved ones would be great. On the third hand, I'd constantly feel like I was lying by not mentioning it, so I don't think I could personally do this.
In other news, we've had plenty of death in 2009 already.
Personally, I think not telling the wife and son was selfish and irresponsible. And incredibly presumptuous.
As a disclaimer, I don't know why he didn't tell anyone. Death or terminal illness is a complicated and terrible situation. I can only speak based on my personal experience and the limited description Chad provided.
In any case, it's incredibly presumptuous to presume that you know the best way to handle other people's emotions regarding your death. For close relatives like wife and son, they deserve to know the truth, and to be given an opportunity to react. Assuming that they can't handle it and better to let them know in the end is assuming that that's the best way for them, when the opposite may be true.
Their are risks with either telling in a timely fashion or waiting, but given the risks, it's best to go with the truth. By not telling anyone, you're living a lie.
And by living a lie, you're being incredibly selfish. Sure, there's a pretty decent argument that you can't begrudge someone that is terminally ill their selfish tendencies. This is it for them. Let them go out how they want to. Nevertheless, it is selfish to keep this information to yourself. You may think you're doing them a favor, but in reality, you're denying them a choice.
In addition, as eingy touched upon, if you're a loved one, you will be extremely angry by this selfish decision to not disclose. Family members will most certainly feel they had a right to know.
Lastly, it's incredibly irresponsible because there are financial and other issues that are directly tied to one's passing. Personally, my uncle's family is having a lot of issues because he died (recently) and failed to give them all the information related to bank accounts, insurance, etc. When somebody dies, there are a lot of matters that need to get resolved. It's far better to resolve them while the person is alive rather than pick up the pieces afterwards.
Everybody grieves in a different way, but personally, it's much easier for me to spread out the grieving process over the length of an illness. I think most people are similar. It's much harder to accept a sudden death than it is to deal with a slow decline in health. In the latter case, you've worked your way through most of the stages of grief, but in a easier progression. Moreover, you can work through those stages with the person.
I should also note that be letting people know, you avoid situations like Chad mentioned in an earlier post. That is, with a slow decline that people know about, you are given the opportunity to resolve various issues and at least given an opportunity to come to closure in a way that you feel better about.
When I last saw my uncle, I knew it was for the last time. There was no doubt at all. And while it was an incredibly difficult day, it did allow me to say how much he meant to me and how much I loved him. I feel very fortunate that I had that opportunity to say that to him.
Now imagine if I saw him and didn't know he was ill. I had a regular old day, and never got to say anything particularly important thinking there would be other opportunities.
That's what happened with my grandfather this year. He wasn't in the best health, but his death was sudden and a bit of a surprise. I didn't have an opportunity to resolve issues or talk to him. The last time I saw him was like a lot of other times and not particularly meaningful.
So, for all these reasons, I think not telling your loved ones about your sickness is a really bad idea.
I think I'd tell Steph and nobody else. Any more than that and the news would probably spread quickly.
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